26 May 2011


Gepost in persoonlijk

>Writing personal texts, always makes me doubt a bit. I think the balance between being ‘business like’, professional, human and personal is hard to find within a blog. I would love to hear your opinion? Are you interested in what is up to my mind honestly? If you don’t, please also don’t do the effort to read this.

I would love to thank Martine , because she advised to do take the step and write a personal text again. Also I would like to special thank Joyce, Marjolein and a lot of others as they were my ‘tweet’ supporters during my exam, and always comment on my insecurities, enthusiasm and doubts. I love it to have good contact with some other bloggers.

Let’s start with the beginning. I wrote a personal post a while ago already on school. There I have ‘drawn’ the situation already that I was so, so bothered by the fact that I couldn’t do what I wanted to really do, because of school. I know that is kind of a wrong conclusion, but it still is the way I have been feeling for a long time already.

Reading the comments on that post, I felt like most of you didn’t really understood (no offence!). People were like ‘nobody likes school’, and of course I shouldn’t act like I am different at this point. However, what differed in my situation was that it made me ‘unfunctionable’.

Since one and a half year, I have been building up a very big resistance against school. I felt like I was stopped at school in my talents, in my passion: my blog, the writing, the photography, the creativity. I am a person who lives from challenges, from goals. Now my exams are over (because they are today, yay!), I am more and more realising that I don’t feel like partying at all – though I did live to it. Now the times it there, I don’t feel like there ís that much to party, because I didn’t do well really well on the whole ‘school thing’ and I don’t feel like I am closing up a nice part of a life time either -no offence, though I am very grateful for the nice people I have met, I have had a lot of unhappy periods. That is probably just the common teenage thing ;).

Anyway, instead of partying I most of all want to move on with what I truly want: develop myself at and learn about fashion, and makes this blog to something I can be more and more proud of everyday. That doesn’t mean I will be ‘big’ some day (could be nice if it was, but let’s be realistic…), I just want to see it evolve and grow. I don’t need a break, a holiday, I want to finally use the time I have left to make my blog to what’s into it.

Back to the previous beginning. The resistance to school has been growing the past while. It wasn’t only the resistance however, it was also the fact that I didn’t learn how to learn because (without being arrogant) I was intelligent enough to not do it. Now I was facing that I needed the learning, I completely freaked out and seriously received often better grades when I didn’t learn than compared to when I did learn. Another fact is that one of my bad characteristics is that I am réally bad in adjusting. When I say réally bad, I mean réally bad. I can’t really function in groups, I can’t do things just because ‘I have to’, I hate to say it, but I am on my nicest when I can manage things the way I want (hello blog! hello controlfreak!). I hear you say: ‘everyone would be’, but I am talking about different levels here.

It took serious forms, when I experienced panicking ‘attacks’, got extremely sensitive and also got kind of depressed. To give you an example: I couldn’t deal with the teachers ‘stimulances’ anymore. Though I am not the type at all to be very sensitive for others opinions, I have been the past year. I am feeling spoken too really soon, and sometimes I just got home after a school day crying.
That is why since Christmas I have been to school only half school days. Though there were some disadvantages (by the end of my school days I recognized I really missed a lot…), that definitely helped to relax a bit more, and I am glad the school (with the doctor) was able to give me this opportunity.

Anyway: school was the place I felt like I had to adjust on évery side. I even felt like I just couldn’t be ‘me’ there. I had to adjust to my class mates, which I can’t really identify with, I had to adjust to the teachers which I think aren’t as good as they often should be (nothing personal, I think this is mainly about money), I had to adjust to my time table, to where I can eat in there or not (detail, but just for illustration), really on éverything. So what did I do? I managed it in a way that I could decide what happened again, and didn’t go to school that often anymore. That is not the most bright decision of course – I’ll need to learn the adjusting some day anyway- but my only goal for the past months was to get a diploma, and the rest would be something for on the longterm.

Unfortunately I didn’t manage to lay the priority with getting a diploma. My priorities were everywhere but there. I hate it, but of course I don’t want to sound like a victim of this: I feel responsible for everything I write down here. Still I did my best to dó graduate, but now I have all of my exams behind me I know the chances are very small. I am able to check my own answers, and my hope has reduced to just a tiny, tiny bit I’ll pass most of the exams. It is a disappointment, but I am in peace with it, as it is something I have just been preparing for the whole year. When you don’t study much it is the most realistic option. I really love all of you who said: ‘you’ll be fine’, but no offence: I don’t really believe you when it comes to this topic at this moment. At the end I will though!

What I learned the last year is that I have some serious issues with myself, though I also have a huge trust in myself. That means that I think it is pity that I didn’t manage to get my diploma for now probably, but that I am sure I will have it some day soon as my determination is quite big and I would have given up a long time ago already if I didn’t really want to have that paper. Also that determination will at the end make sure that I can do what I want to do, combined with some adjustments to other people and other situations ;).

I am sharing this with you, because I think it is okay to show you that I am not only ‘the girl in the clothes’, but that I am nothing more or less than a human. Yes, I feel different on some things than others, but what I am telling you here are like problems, issues? Anyway, I am definitely not the only one with problems or issues – I think it is almost the definition of being a human.

Thank you for reading this, I hope you understood the core.
Of course I’ll keep you up to date about what I’ll do in life from now on (when I do graduate or don’t graduate) and what the final decision will be anyway: a fail or a pass. I know on the 16th of June – please send me all a little angle that day with just a tiny bit of luck?

P.S. My camera left his life today, the timing couldn’t be worse! I really felt like spending more time on my blog from now on, but what to do without a camera? Hopefully I’ll have a solution soon. Any tips for new/used ones are very welcome, as I am not a great expert on this area. 

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